UP

Directors: Pete Docter, Bob Peterson (co-director)
Writers: Pete Docter, Bob Peterson, Thomas McCarthy
Starring: Edwards Asner, Jordan Nagai, Christopher Plummer, Bob Peterson
Release: 9th October 2009

It's very easy to write negative criticism. It is also far more entertaining to read negative criticism. Reading a positive review is not only sometimes dull, but can have a negative affect on the reader's response to the film. I remember reading a gushing, 5 star review of Slumdog Millionaire in EMPIRE and then being slightly let down by the film itself. It's not a bad film (won too many Oscars) it's just that the review built it up. It is similar to when a friend over-enthuses about a film to such a degree that you feel like they've dirtied it in some way, that they've metaphorically licked it all over and therefore made the film theirs, marking their territory like a cat pissing on a rose bush. For this very reason I am going to review Pete Docter's (of Monsters Inc. fame) latest contribution to the almost flawless Pixar catalogue in the style of an idiot.

Up is the perplexing and improbable tale of a 78-year-old impossibly square-faced man kidnapping a small soft-skinned boy and taking him to Venezuela where they find a big Dodo that another old man is hunting. The plot gets more and more ridiculous and even includes a scene where dogs fly planes, which, as you and I know, is completely preposterous. It is almost as if this film is not real. Pixar often produce fabrications of this kind such as in Finding Nemo where, not only do the fish talk underwater, but can also read words and numbers.

On the way to the cinema I bought a Subway from Subway and paid £2.99 for it. I handed over £3.00 and to my delight I recieved 1 pence change. This was good because this is what I expected and this is what happens in real life, now if Pixar could make a film like that then they'd finally get a bit more respect from this seasoned film critic.

My main issue with Up, as you might be able to tell from the first sentence of this review, is the ridiculous subject matter. Certain facts of life are void in Pixar's weakest effort to date (not yet living up to the standards of Valiant or Little and Big Monsters look them up) and this allows for the plot to move forward and for new characters to be introduced. I was confused by the audience's laughter, crying and gasps as I felt none of these emotions. As the incredible awe-inspiring visuals and very positive use of 3D washed over me my mind began to think of other things. I started to wonder whether or not Uwe Boll got my fan-mail asking him to make the recent game Wet into a feature length film. Then I started to think about my empty apartment and whether or not I remembered to feed Tom Cruise and Mischa Barton, my pet terrapins. Terrapins are quite compassionate pets. The kids at school never understood so I'd have to hit them. I had to do it. I had to. Might go buy Speed Racer on DVD... Days of Thunder is good too... wait where am I?



END OF REVIEW

I'm not going to give Up a rating, just go see it.

OR you could buy the latest in Pixar knock-offs: What's Up: Balloon to the Rescue!



Just watch the few minutes where they catch "the frenchman". Mind boggling.

TOOTH FAIRY (Trailer) + PRECIOUS (Trailer)

Did you think Will Ferrel's character in 2003's big Christmas hit Elf was too much of a pussy? Then thank god for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson taking on the role of a hockey player turned tooth fairy in a film directed by the man who brought us The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. Watch out for the bit in the trailer where Dwayne, in a low whispy voice, says "I'm the tooth fairy... ... ... Oh yeah." Brilliant (but obviously not really brilliant, I still don't understand films that seem to have the message of "let your imagination take flight, believe in tooth fairies" where the whole plot makes a joke of lying to young children and through its over-the-top depiction of the myth reinforcing how ridiculously impossible it is and therefore, by extension, how stupid children really must be) NEXT TRAILER:



First off, my gripe is not really with the film or its content because, as a male from a middle class family (and as I expect, just like the majority of other film critics) I would never dream of giving such a film a negative review in fear of appearing maybe just a tad Hitler. People can give The Soloist a bad review because it's got Robert Downey Jr. in it and it doesn't have the independent film, rags to riches angle to it that Precious does.

I would advise you all to watch the "exclusive" trailer on apple trailers for the purposes of this post: http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/precious/

As I said my problem lies not with the film, but with the trailers. First off, why the hell is every trailer being produced these days twelve million hours long? Two minutes and a half is way too long to advertise a film, it is so long in fact that you get to see most of the movie, in Precious's case, I dare say, all of the big scenes. Brevity is key to film-making in general. 2:30 mins is a minute too long just as Deer Hunter or Once Upon A Time in America are 3 hours too long (although both brilliant films it takes something away from them).

Secondly, I know Oprah is queen of America and holds more power than Obama and Jesus combined, but what is she doing in a movie trailer? Trailers are heavily edited versions of films that should sell the product to the audience on its own merits, the District 9 trailer didn't have Peter Jackson pitching in every 30 seconds saying "This film is just so powerful" unlike Precious where Oprah and some bloke interupt to tell us how proud they are to present this "independent" film (whatever consitutes as independent). Oprah even says "I want everybody I know to go see it" well just tell your friends then, not the entire internet.

Thirdly, I don't care how good Mariah Carey's performance is her presence will ruin whatever part of the film she is in (she's got dark hair to confuse the morons, she's a Harlem social worker or something) because whenever you see her it will pull you out of the film as you think "Oh that's Mariah Carey hur hur hur." I know you get that with certain actors anyway, but I just hate her and would rather see her in Lars Von Trier's Antichrist, except she gets the shit kicked out of her by Willem Dafoe.

I'm going to see Up tonight so look forward to a totally unbias review from the world's biggest Pixar fanatic :)

Bad Lieutenant (trailer)

THE FILM THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT NICOLAS CAGE



Director: Werner Herzog
Writer: William M. Finkelstein
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendes
Release: 20th November 2009

Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans stars Nicolas Cage as a crooked and drug-addicted cop. While it has been called a remake of Abel Ferrara's 1992 Bad Lieutenant, Herzog claims he has never heard of Ferrara. Ferrera is outraged by the new film, saying of the cast and crew, “I hope they're all in the same streetcar, and it blows up.” Good luck, Werner!

The main draw of the film for me is undoubtedly Nicolas Cage in what looks to be a decent acting role. Cage’s name is now almost a byword for over-the-top, caricatured acting and a terrible choice of roles. From Con Air, as the two-dimensional family man Cameron Poe, to the unwittingly hilarious remake of The Wicker Man – “How’d it get burned, how’d it get burned, how’d it get burned?” – Cage has rightly come under a lot of fire. I have a feeling this film could change all that.

Herzog has proven he can handle a mainstream Hollywood movie with Rescue Dawn, and as a director with a keen eye for the weird, I believe he can bring the story of a hallucinating cop to life. His presence suggests that this will not be just another cookie-cutter crime drama.

The cast besides Cage is encouraging. Val Kilmer has already proven his crime movie mettle in both Heat and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, my favourite film of all time. He is joined by Eva Mendes and Alvin ‘Xzibit’ Joiner, already established as a rapper-turned actor.

This looks to be one of Cage’s least sympathetic roles yet, and possibly his weirdest. Playing such an obnoxious, selfish bastard could be liberating for him, allowing him to put his weird, lanky screen presence to good use. And from the look of the trailer, he’s fed some brilliant one-liners: “What are these fucking iguanas doing on my coffee table?”, “This is my lucky crack pipe.”

Even if this film isn’t Cage’s redemption, the novelty of seeing him fire a gun in the air while grabbing a woman’s naked arse just might make me see it anyway. Fingers crossed.

DEATH PROOF

If I stuck religiously to the reviews within the RadioTimes I may never have watched Death Proof due to it's fairly obtuse mini-review, giving it two stars and then giving "repetetive thriller" as a reason. I suppose it is hard to fit in "Tarantino should be doing much better original stories rather than re-hashing old ideas in an absurd nostalgic fanboy's quest" into that little gap and although I agree with this to a degree, Death Proof is in no way a two star film.

First off you've got Kurt Russell, who I love because of John Carpenter's version of The Thing and Escape From New York and even Sky High, playing a fairly creepy, yet oddly charismatic lead/villain/victim. On top of that you have an excellent soundtrack with one song being highlighted by Tarantino in the dialogue: Hold Tight! by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich. I might also add that the first half is nearly flawless and it is only in the second act that my problems with the film rear their stupid female heads. The film, in short, is this: Classic Tarantino dialogue with nice slow pacing THEN AN AMAZING CAR SEQUENCE then a new batch of women that aren't as good as the first batch talk for a bit THEN ANOTHER AMAZINGLY EXCITING CAR SEQUENCE - ABRUPT ENDING. The first amazing car sequence features one of the most fantastically shot crashes I have ever seen and if, like me, you have Steven Speilberg's Dual as one of your favourite films ever you will no doubt enjoy these moments more than anything.

Here are my only problems. The abrupt ending which, by telling you about it, should seem less abrupt, I wish someone had told me about it so I wouldn't have been so taken-a-back. Then there are the morally dubious women in the second act, with the exclusion of Mary Elizabeth Winstead who is supposedly left to be raped by a thick grease monkey.

I do believe Tarantino should pull his head out of his arse and stop making films to show us how much he likes films and Eli Roth, but Death Proof is a bloody good ride while it lasts. 8/10

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE (trailer)

Spike Jonze is one of my favourite Directors and "Where The Wild Things Are" was one of my favourite books when I was young and still is. If you are in the same position as me then no doubt you are as intensely excited about this film. Some of the shots in the trailer completely blow my mind and I think the beasts look great.

Roll on December. This film deserves to smash all other Christmas Themed tripe out of the box office and make Spike Jonze, and the fittingly named star, Max Records, very rich and very famous.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (trailer)

Director: Samuel Bayer
Writers: Wesley Strick, Eric Heisserer (props to Wes Craven)
Starring: Rorschach, Some young actors
Release: 30th April 2010 (USA no UK release date yet)

I must admit when I saw the artical about this film in Empire I fobbed it off as another bollocks take on a classic horror franchise (see: the two Texas Chainsaw Massacre films or Friday 13th remake, both produced by Michael "Bayhem" Bay), but now having seen the trailer and finding out that this is also being produced by Optimus Prime I can safely say that my initial instincts were correct.

The slick trailer and the involvement of Jackie Earle Haley had me fooled for a few seconds, but then I realised this was infact a copy of the original (I like to say copy because it makes it sound cheap, but Hollywood types like to say "re-imagining"). Most of the old iconic shots (hand in the bath, girl floating above her bed Exorcist-style) are being showcased proving that, although nice to look at, this "homage" to Wes Craven's classic (which isn't even that good anyway) has little innovation and without anything new or unknown you lose one of the key elements of horror and therefore the only thing that might scare me within this predicted-to-be-predictable copy will be the jumpy bits that catch everyone off guard anyway.

Wes Craven's original was great because of its inventive deaths and genuinely scary and new plot that allowed such horrific death scenes. I dare say this film will make good at the box office, but undeservedly so.

We'll have to wait and see if he can be re-imagined to haunt our nights once more, but I reckon we'll all be getting to bed at a reasonable hour.

TOP 5 - Computer Animated Films I'm Excited About

5. The Smurfs (2011)


That’s right, The Smurfs. On the big screen. Renowned film maker Raja Gosnell, the man who brought us such classics as Home Alone 3, Scooby Doo and Big Momma’s House, is set to direct. Normally I would immediately write this film off as Hollywood douchery but with Colin Brady (a man who helped to bring us ACTUAL classics such as Toy Story, Toy Story 2 and A Bug’s Life) listed as director of animation I have faith that this film will be, at the very least, visually stunning. I for one can’t smurfing wait.



4. Shrek Forever After (2010)


We all remember the roaring laugh-fests that were the first two Shrek Films. And I’m sure some of us also remember the roaring suck-fest that was Shrek the Third. With two great films vouching for this franchise it’s safe to say I am excited to see what Shrek and Donkey have to offer the fourth time around.



3. Astro Boy (2009)



This film looks amazing. I’m not overly familiar with the “Astro Boy” franchise but as I understand it this young robot boy is quite the legend in Japan. Genndy Tartakovsky was billed as director in 2004 but unfortunately left the project. Imagi Animation Studios announced in 2006 that they would be producing an all CGI Astro Boy, and now here it is. I only hope non-actor Nicolas Cage doesn’t ruin it. Granted it may be difficult to ruin a film with just one bad voice actor, but I wouldn’t put it past Mr. Cage. What he lacks in talent he makes up for in the uncanny ability to ruin whatever film he’s involved with.



2. Up (2009)


Whenever anyone mentions this film I find myself asking the same question over and over again: why the hell haven’t I seen this movie yet? The UK usually gets the short end of the stick when it comes to release dates, but we’ve been waiting over 5 months for Pixar’s latest adventure to find its way onto our screens. The writers here at “Scattergun” actually had an opportunity to see “Up” earlier this summer at Glastonbury Festivle, but due to unforeseen circumstances (slow ass bitches) we missed out. It’s overwhelmingly positive reviews make this one of the most anticpated computer animated films in recent years, second only to:



1. Toy Story 3 (2010)




It’s finally here. The movie that sparked Hollywood’s obsession with computer animation is back. After 10 long years in development hell, Buzz and the gang return to the big screen. Many thought that Toy Story 3 would never see the light of day. There was a degree of turbulence between Disney and Pixar, with Disney retaining the rights to the characters but Pixar holding the “right of first refusal” to work on the third instalment. Disney planned on going ahead with production without Pixar, but this version was shelved after Disney’s acquisition of Pixar in 2006. Thank fuck. The film was officially announced in 2007 with production transferred entirely to Pixar. Summer 2010 never seemed so far away.