Thursday, 15 October 2009


I feel no shame in saying that I love Arnold Schwarzenegger. Although that love does sometimes tend to be the ironic kind, no film guarantees more laughs with your friends as you all attempt to impersonate the Governator. This list honours the man that proved you don't need to be able to act or walk and talk or do most things correctly to be an incredibly successful film star. You just need to look good. Oh yeah. Hold onto your dicks this is a long post.


Beating its more hilarious sequel, Conan The Destroyer (which I'd still recommend), Conan has many qualities making it worthy of the list. Not only is there inadvertantly chucklesome action sequences (an old man whispering "seek" to a snake before tugging it rigid and firing it with a bow), but one of the most hilarious Director's commentaries you are ever likely to hear where, at points, Arny states simply what is happening on screen, "Now we are running", "Hit him on the head... Boom", "That is funny, now we are laughing".

9. TWINS (1988)

Arnold is a physically perfect "good guy" who goes in search of his twin, played by Danny DeVito, who is a short small-time criminal. Hilarity ensues. Odd fact: DeVito went on to play The Penguin in Batman Returns and Arnold went on to be Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin (Joel Schumacher's last Batman effort not making the list unfortunately, although it does feature one of Arny's most stirling performance)

8. END OF DAYS (1999)

Arnold Schwarzenegger fights the devil.

7. JUNIOR (1994)

"Hey Arny, it's Danny D. Want to team up again for another movie? Yeah it's basically the same except this time you're pregnant"
"I'll do it"


"I'm not a pervert! I was just looking for a Turbo Man doll!"
There are many brilliant Arny lines in this festive feature. I had to choose between this and Kindergarten Cop and this won by an inch (Arny knocks out a Reindeer with one punch) and I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to all the Arny classics that didn't make it: Kindergarten Cop, The 6th Day, The Last Action Hero, Collateral Damage, Commando, Around The World in 80 Days and many more.


Now we're onto the Arny films I love almost sincerely. The Running Man is the film adaptation of a Stephen King novel where a wrongly-convicted man (Schwarzenegger) is put into a game show where the contestants have to run for their lives. Arny even manages a reference to his own most iconic film by saying to his tormentor, "Killian! I'll be back!" to which Killian wittily replies, "Only in a rerun." That's sharp writing, but my favourite line has to be, "Uplink underground, uplink underground. If you say that one more time, I'll uplink your ass, and you'll be underground!" BAM.

4. PREDATOR (1987)

I would never have thought to cover myself in cold mud and water to fight Predator. I also wouldn't have thought to say "Knock knock" after kicking down a door and then shooting people or to say "stick around" and throw a knife at someone, pinning them to the wall. Where's his Oscar?

3. TOTAL RECALL (1990)

"If I am not me, then who the hell am I?" Arny takes on philosophical questions of being AND wheres a robotic fat woman suit AND meets a three breasted alien AND shoots lots of people on Mars. If you like films in general you owe it to yourself to see this film because (apart from Starship Troopers) there isn't a film like it.

2. TRUE LIES (1994)

Arny turns Bond in what is thought, in some circles, to be one of the greatest action films ever. Although an astonishing 141 minutes long (thanks James Cameron) the film never lets down and almost has Arny looking sophisticated in some shots like the one above, where you can't see his big silly creased face.


James Cameron Diaz strikes again... twice. A sequel that not only out performs the original in nearly every way, but introduces a villain scarier than Arny and thus turns the Governator into the ultimate fighting force for good, even better than RoboCop. And I love RoboCop. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to HMV to buy everything Arnold has ever been in. I'LL BE BACK TO THE CHOPPER LA VISTA BABY!?


  1. 1st! I'm gonna post this on everything you write cause noone else comments x

  2. YES

    Jingle all the way is such a good film. he's a hero. why dont all fathers go the extra mile for the perfect toy?